Dear Diary: Entry#1

Pregnancy and childbirth does strange things to you. You have no control over your emotions, feelings, cravings. Your body and your brain has a mind of their own. I wasn't too hormonal during my two pregnancies, alhamdulillah, but this time, after the baby, I have been quite blue. It is not really obvious but at the back of my mind something is disturbing me. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, or I am really, really tired or just being away from the family is weighing hard now. Like right now, I just want to cry. No reason at all, just want to cry :(  Chocolate is not helping and I don't want to eat it which is really strange because I love chocolate. Maybe this is what post-partum blues feel like. Not liking it at all. It's just that motherhood isolates you so much, especially if you are a stay at home mom. Your entire world revolves around your kids, day and night. I know I am very blessed that I don't have to step out and leave my kids to earn a living, Alhamdulillah, but sometimes I just wish I had something that I could call my own. Something other than the endless cycle of feeding, cleaning up, diaper changes and now continuous tantrums of a 2 year old.

 I just want to curl up into a ball and hide under my blanket. Not to be disturbed and to let out all that is bothering me. But Ibbi is very sensitive, he can sense if I am feeling down and then he just wants to lie with me and cuddle which makes me even sadder for some strange reason. Husbands are not really helpful during these times, they do not understand why we feel so down, don't want to use the word depressed because that is a really serious thing. I think the word "Depression" is thrown around too casually. Feeling sad or down or blue is not depression. Depression is something really serious and shouldn't be taken lightly. And it is a real thing, just like post partum depression or blues as I am choosing to call it.

Most things don't bother me and I don't think of myself as an EMO. But this expat life is really not my cup of tea. Husband is not really social and he sees nothing wrong in the fact that we have just 1 family that we are friends with in the 5 years I have been here. Yes, you read it right. 1 family in 5 years. I think when you go out everyday and meet people you dont really get why your wife insists on having a social life. I had a pretty eventful life in Pakistan with family gatherings and get togethers with friends. I don't remember having a weekend when we weren't out having fun, especially since we got jobs and one of us learnt how to drive. Even now, when I go to Pakistan I am out all day, meeting up with friends and family. Going out to eat and shopping or just going on long drives on the beautiful roads of my beautiful city.

*Sigh* life changes and no matter how hard you try to convince your other half, your social life remains dead because you don't want to do anything alone. Don't take from this that my husband is some weird being who doesn't want me to step out of the house or do anything. He is very chilled out and I am free to go wherever I want and do whatever I want. He just doesn't want to come with me. that's all. I hope I can make it a little bit better for my kids, especially on occasions like Eid and stuff.

You know what, I feel a bit better getting all this out here. I hope this doesn't become a regular thing. I am sure no one wants to read about my troubles. So, if you read this, I thank you and request you to say a prayer for me and for every other mother who is feeling this way. Maybe it is the weather these days, I haven't seen the sun in months. A little sunshine would be nice, dear Allah!